These past few months have been hard, I won’t lie. But right here and right now my life is actually amazing. Eating isn’t great, but I’m fucking happy.
I’ve now got this amazing bunch of friends at The Windmill. All one big happy family. Everyone sleeps with everyone but we all say it’s good to keep it in the family. ;D
I’m finally being true to who I am and spending time with certain people makes me so happy.
This last weekend in particular in dunmow was LOVELY. Lovely lovely lovely.
I want things to progress the way they are going at the moment, I want it to carry on. It’s different. Nice. Different.
This just isn’t right. Loving someone with no trust in a relationship? It will not last. But there’s this thing that drags me back to you, it’s addictive.
I’ve left you endless of times and you’ve cheated on me and lied to me more times than I even want to know about. Im crushed. Still.
Maybe were a perfect example of two people who should love each other but not be with each other anymore.
You will fall in love with someone who annoys you, whose orgasm face looks and feels pathetic. Despite all of this, there’s something keeping you drawn to them, something that makes you want to protect them from the harsh world. What you fail to realize, however, is that you are the harsh world. You aren’t their noble protector — you are someone to be protected from but it takes a lot of dates, a lot of nights where you question whether or not you are actually a good person, for this to ever resonate with you. When it’s over and whatever love is left is put back in the fridge like a sad plate of leftovers, you will finally understand that you have the power to hurt someone. You can either hurt them or love them and it’s up to you to decide what kind of role you would like to take on in future relationships. What feels more comfortable — being the one who loves more or being the one who’s loved less?
You will fall in love with someone who’s cold and always seemingly pushing you away. When all is said and done, they will be forever known as the one person you couldn’t get to love you. Unfortunately, it will hurt and sting worse than the good ones, the ones that chopped up your meat for you and picked out an eyelash from your eye and were nice to your mother, because love often feels like a game we need to win. And when we lose, when we realize we couldn’t get what we ultimately desired from a person, it makes us feel like a failure and erases all the memories of those who loved us in the past. It’s a permanent smudge on your love resume.
You will fall in love with someone for one night and one night only. They’ll come to you when you need them and be gone in the morning when you don’t. At first, this will make you feel empty and you’ll try to convince yourself that you could’ve loved this person for longer than a night, but you can’t. Some people are just meant to make cameo appearances, some are destined to be a pithy footnote. That’s okay though. Not every person we love has to stick around. Sometimes it’s better to leave while you’re still ahead. Sometimes it’s better to leave before you get unloved.
You will fall in love with the old couple down the street because to you they represent the impossible: a stable, long-lasting love. You’re trying to get someone to like you for more than ten minutes. A monogamous “never get sick of ya” love seems unfathomable. “What’s your secret, sir? Do you just say yes a lot?”
You will fall in love with smells, the good and the bad kind. You will want to wear your lovers shirt because it makes you feel close to them and you’re okay with being that PSYCHO who is legitimately sniffing their shirt in public. You will fall in love with sweat, certain perfumes, the smell of the season in which you fell in love. This particular love smells like fall. It smells like Halloween and a roaring fire and leaves and fog and mist and candy and food and family and whiskey and sex and the lint that collects on sweaters. When it ends, if it ends, you will never experience another fall without thinking of him, her, it. The memories will stick to the ground like a mound of leaves and will only dissipate when the weather drops.
You will fall in love with your friends. Deep, passionate love. You will create a second family with them, a kind of tribe that makes you feel less vulnerable. Sometimes our families can’t love us all the time. Sometimes we’re born into families who don’t know how to love us properly. They do as much as they can but the rest is up to our friends. They can love you all the time, without judgement. At least the good ones can.
This is where I’m supposed to tell you that you will fall in love with The One, a person who isn’t too cold or too nice. Their “O” face is perfectly fine and they’re not afraid to show how much they love you. This person is supposed to wait for us at the end of the twentysomething road as some kind of reward for all the heartache and loneliness. We deserve them. We’ve earned this kind of love.
So fine. You’re going to fall in love with The One. You’re going to fall in love with someone who will make sense beyond college or a job or a particular season. They’ll make sense forever and won’t ever want to leave you behind. I’m telling you this not because it’s true but because it NEEDS to be true. Everyone is entitled to this kind of love, so why not? Have it. It’s yours. Blow out the candles on your 30th birthday, holding their hand, and let out an exhale that’s been waiting for ten years. Do it. Now
And I know that. Not once have I ever said I am.
I get told i don’t need to make an effort when seeing someone yet when I do I get moaned at for it because in apparently taking too long. When was the last time someone got dressed up for me, and made that little bit of extra effort? Also me straightening my hair and doing my makeup for dance is getting dressed up…I do the exact same when I’m with this person but because I’m off to dance it’s more of an effort. I have low self esteem and me doing them things makes me feel better because I don’t want to be looking at a skank for over an hour that I continually have to look at.
I need you to talk to me rather than force everything out of you. But when I try you tell me you can’t talk to me or Im just being nosey. I cannot win with you and as you said it is draining.
but If you honestly cant grow up then what chance do you have in life? It’s so good to feel free for once. Like I’m happy, maybe its not the way I planned my life out…what we had planned but its going to be good with or without you. I don’t need to fight for someones attention and always feel like second best. No one should feel like that and I was sick of it, and I was sick of pretending to be okay with it. it went on for so long, and you’d wonder why I kept walking away. Why should I waste my time with someone who couldn’t see that the girl in front of her loved her with all her heart. You hurt me so much over the years and I did my fair share back and it wasn’t fair on both of us. I walked away thinking you were one of the biggest mistakes of my life…but I was wrong. you were THE biggest mistake. I knew what I was getting into before we even got together and I wish I stayed away and never kept crawling back. If we never got together I would be the bubbly girl I used to be. Id be confident, I wouldn’t have problems with my weight, I wouldn’t be obsessed with changing the way I look but you made me feel like I had to because what you had in front of you wasn’t good enough. With whatever life choices you made/make I hope you actually do something with your life rather than what you used to. Part of me will unfortunately always love you, but I will never love you in the same way ever again. Hopefully one day you don’t have to be a prick if you ever see me again and learn to be an adult.
We were over a long time ago, but this needed to be said. I needed to get it off of my chest because I never got a chance to say what I really felt. Hopefully now you see that you destroyed me. Now I know not to trust anyone. Not to let them in to deep.